packs of large men
jerseys so yellow and tight
those ten speeds are sweet.
Over the last few years, growing numbers of adult men have set out on their bicycles dressed in fully authentic competition-style racing jerseys. Two things strike me as strange about this. First, no other activity--whether competitive or not--warrants such strange attire; and second, what on earth is gained by such a commitment to this most streamlined of humiliations?
Presumably, all sports uniforms are tailored to the needs of their respective sports. Hockey sweaters were loose fitting (at least until the upcoming 2008 season, see http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10952924/) in order to promote mobility. Som
e quarterbacks wear different jerseys from other players so that their arms won't be constricted, thereby resulting in a Brad Johnsonesque 9-yard bomb. Soccer/football has their easy-going loose fitting uniforms to allow for many glamorous golden goals and fake injuries.
e quarterbacks wear different jerseys from other players so that their arms won't be constricted, thereby resulting in a Brad Johnsonesque 9-yard bomb. Soccer/football has their easy-going loose fitting uniforms to allow for many glamorous golden goals and fake injuries. And so it is that each professional sport has its own kind of jersey; but the only difference is that fans of all other activities are able to understand that they themselves are not competing in any sort of professional sport. Last winter, when my friends and I got together for an ill-advised game of tackle football, I can't imagine what would have happened to me if I would have shown up dressed head to toe in a Joey Browner jersey. I would have lasted as long as a high school kid at the AVN awards.
Yet, for some reason, no one else feels the need to tell cyclists that they look absolutely ridonculous. "Wait a second," one pretentious cycling-spandex fan might say, "what about golfers? People go golfing all the time and look exactly like Phil Mickelson." And while this may be true, you forget that golfers are wearing REGULAR CLOTHES! Because they add a visor with the word PING on it doesn't put them in air tight ball-exposing territory.
The second thing that aspiring tour-de-frenchies might say is that the unitards cut down on drag, and ensure premium cycling performance. Two points about this: first, there aren't any qualifying time trials going on on Summitt ave. this weekend; second, just because something 
enhances performance doesn't mean you have to do it (um, Mr. Giambi... we're looking in your general direction). For example, when I enter my next poker tournament, I would probably be able to hide my tells better if I showed up in a Michael Jackson mask, but then I would probably raise eyebrows when I went to see "Shrek 3" later. Long story short, competitive advantages aren't always worth it.
enhances performance doesn't mean you have to do it (um, Mr. Giambi... we're looking in your general direction). For example, when I enter my next poker tournament, I would probably be able to hide my tells better if I showed up in a Michael Jackson mask, but then I would probably raise eyebrows when I went to see "Shrek 3" later. Long story short, competitive advantages aren't always worth it. And lastly, let's just say that you disagree with all of this, and want to show the world what you've got... can you please just leave the sponsored jerseys at home? You're not bucking for that new sponsorship from Lipitor or Tony the Tiger, so just stop it.
When I get in my truck tomorrow to go rent "The Cutting Edge," I won't be wearing a Dale Earnhardt Budweiser jacket.
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